||[Aug. 21st, 2006|12:40 am]
Well it didn't take long for me to come back now did it? I just don't have the strength to move from my seat right now. I keep thinking after all this I know I won't get anymore phone calls in the morning from Lace telling me that she loves me. No more texts saying that she misses me, on one end it's freedom.... but on the other it was the price for it all... I had to hurt her again. Darn it what's wrong with me? Peaple might start to think that it's only what I do for kicks, I know they're wrong but for goodness sake man how many times can I hurt someone and try to make it feel to myself as if it's ok and that I didn't do anything terrible when I know in my heart I did. She's likley ripping up and destroying any and all traces of my memory there and making the house "clean" and I wouldn't blame her. I honestly am grossed out with myself now and I won't feel better if that's even possible now. I doubt it she changed me for keeps, as far as I'm concerned i don't think I'll ever really be me again, I made me feel like this it's because of her devotion and love for me that I actually feel real pain now. . God bless her I guess for making me feel human even though I hate life right now. Will I recover.. well everyone does right jsut takes time but no matter where I am or who I could be with (the poor girl) there's no telling if I'll be afraid of being with her or not. As much as I hate to say this though she was right it's no longer "who's the lucky girl" it's now "she's gonna get stepped on soon" FRIG ME I hate myself. All that talk and for what more pain...? Damn I'm disgusting. I can't even pretend to like myself right now or defend myself I did it to me no one else just me. I'm so sorry Lace I just don't feel it there anymore I don't know why I just don't.
Man.... what to think of myself this "pride' I have none it's just a thought right now.... Why though why do I do this to her why why why??.....